Snidely Whiplash

               I always loved that cartoon character’s name.  The evil villain with the handlebar moustache was foiled every time by the inept Royal Mountie, Dudley Do-Right.  Dudley was mad about Nell Fenwick, but she only whipped her lashes for his horse.  In real life I have seen girls wearing snidely eyelashes that looked long enough to be whips.

               Opened the mail the other night which is usually an unpleasant affair.  No wonder the post office is losing billions.  Anyhow, my regular IRA statement was amongst the rest of the junk.  I hadn’t bothered opening the previous one I received a month ago.  This one said my meager portfolio balance was zero dollars.  Well, whip my neck.  It never was much, but it was something.  I quit paying attention to the media, but I found it difficult to fathom the financial market shut down completely.  Then I thought what kind of idiot would want to steal my identity to abscond my piggy bank.  Next morning, I called my personal representative whose name was on my statement to inquire where my pittance might be.  Of course, I was connected to a live answering machine.  Now, isn’t that personal!  My broker, who has made me the same for the last number of years, immediately returned my phone call twenty-eight hours later assuring me his organization was just in the midst of changing every account number for no apparent reason.  My chump change was still safe.  I’d like pull out my whip and lash a few of these snidely clowns in monkey suits.

               Now my wife is dealing with some whiplash.  She was the front car of three in a stop and go rear-end collision on the freeway.  She was fine for a few days. But developed a headache that won’t go away.  Doctor took x-rays and compared them to ones he took a few years ago.  Diagnosis confirmed, severe whiplash.  Neck, jaw and back all ajar.  One hip is lower than the other too.  When I start joking around, I should pull her shorter leg.  The car is all repaired.  Wonder how snidely the guilty party’s insurance company is going to get about making her whole again.  Sure hope I don't have to depend on Dudley Do-Right.